Chapter Twenty-One (Piles)

Things are never easy when Phil goes shopping. Even when there’s no tomato puree involved.

I’m sure the shop assistant in the store the next day saw nothing than an ordinary customer enter the store as Phil walked in. He didn’t look extraordinary, quite the opposite in fact. Very few people had ever been able to put a face to the name when asked if they knew Phil Appleyard. He was like a brick in a wall; you knew there were lots but they all looked the same and blended into one another. He was just another brick in the wall (hope you’re able to understand the reference there or intelligent enough to know it if you’re too young to have been around at the time.)

‘I’d like to buy two tripods please.’

‘Okay sir, what kinds would you like?’

‘Kind not kinds.’

‘Very good sir, you want them both the same kind.’

‘No I want them both exactly the same.’

‘I see and may I enquire why you require two exactly the same.’

‘I’m glad you asked. My wife and I both suffer from piles and when we go to watch Sunday football we suffer terribly. There’s no seats you see so we tend to put a blanket down on the grass but it’s still quite cold on the old haemorrhoids you see. Not pleasant as I’m sure you can imagine.’

‘No, but….’

‘Don’t interrupt son.’

‘I’m a girl, I’m called Teresa, see it says there on my badge. I’m wearing a skirt.’

‘Who doesn’t these days? It wasn’t like that when I was growing up I can tell you, not until those idiots came in and started wearing flares. I mean, what was that all about?’

‘So, the football….’

‘Ah yes, the piles. Bloody itchy they get when it’s cold and even a hot flask of Bovril can’t get rid of the urge to stick your fingers up your crack and scratch away. So we were thinking that if we had a tripod with the top end shoved up said cracks that it might sort of hold things in there if you know what I mean?’

‘Would sir like me to apologise for enquiring why you want two tripods the same?’

‘I think that would help, I think I’ve gone as far as I want to with this piles analogy as I’d like to go anyway so yes carry on laddie.’

‘It’s missie as we’ve already established and I apologise; now, what camera do you have?’


‘My apologies, which cameras do you have?’

‘Not cameras, camera.’

‘You have two cameras but they’re both the same. Why do y….’

Phil gave a wry grin. Teresa stopped herself.

‘Great sir, let’s have a look at some tripods for you. Which model of cameras do you have?’

‘I, er….it’s a black one.’

Sensing she might be able to gain the upper hand here the shop assistant lurched in with,

‘Well that’s a good start, let’s see if we can work out the make first. Is it maybe a Canon, a Samsung perhaps?’

‘Are you taking the mick?’

‘I don’t know what you mean sir.’

‘You think I’m stupid and making up names. I know what a cannon is and I know Samsung make phones…’

‘They also both make cameras sir. Look.’ And Teresa motioned towards a cabinet which did indeed have Canon and Samsung cameras on display.

Phil looked reluctantly and pointed to a camera.

‘Mine are like that one, that make, I’m sure of it.

‘Ah, a Nikon sir, an excellent choice. Is it that particular model do you think?’

‘Not exactly but it’s similar.’

‘Great, now we can work out round about how heavy your cameras are and get you some tripods that are strong enough to support them.’

‘Sorry, I thought you were trying to catch me out there and make me look stupid.’

‘Not at all sir. Even if I did think you were stupid I certainly wouldn’t make anything of it.’

‘Great, now, how many legs will these tripods have?’

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About the author

Fresh from failing to be an actor, a singer and retaining a full head of hair Glyn is now attempting to be a photographer and a novelist. He has taken more pictures today than he has written words of his novel in the last six months. Some of them he regards as okay..

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